Dear Aunty,
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I am married for the second time and I was previously married for 15 years and have two kids, now 22 and 24.
Somewhere in the midst of my divorce and the subsequent bitterness, and of course remarrying, my kids decided to “disown” me.
Throughout all I have tried to maintain contact and be the adult but nothing seems to change. Of course they both can find my phone number if they need money.
My second wife is very understanding but even she is starting to be frustrated with the impact this has on my moods and therefore our marriage.
Whilst I miss the relationship we once had I am beginning to think that the door to that is closed. Is it wrong to move on and be happy with what I have instead of hankering for that which seems out of reach?
AGONY AUNT
THIS is always a tough one as there is no right or wrong answer.
Kids will automatically side with the “wronged” parent and over years this support takes on a life of its own, making the perpetrator and their new partner the cause of the breakup and the subsequent loss of their happy family.
In your case, regardless of that, time has passed and these kids of yours are adults and should be wise and mature enough to understand.
Continually giving your kids money only perpetuates the problem.
The are using you because they know you feel guilty and that it's a way for you to stay in touch and perhaps be relevant as a father.
Stop being their personal banker, (unless a dire emergency arises).
Sit them down one more time and explain to them that it is time to get on with life, that you will not be held to ransom for the marriage breakdown and that you wish, as you are all adults to have a mature and respectful relationship with them.
BOYS CLUB
SOMETIMES you have to let things take their natural order. Might try not being their ATM!