You see, the good senator wants to create a special police unit to investigate bizarro cults and sects because ... well ... their sole raison détre seems to be to fleece people of their life savings and/or turn them into mindless automatons.

Apparently this is an immediate response to a somewhat obscure (ha! Byron Bay – say no more!) cult-like group called “Hermes Far Eastern Shining” aka (for no apparent logical reason) The Water People, whose fluid  tentacles embrace a coffee shop, an attached gift shop and a website where they fail to sell Reject-Shop-like trinkets for up to five figure amounts).

Their founder (Gerald Atrill, d.2012) liked to be called Jessa O’ My Heart and his wife was Showme Seven Showers. Yep, “Showme” is one word so it’s not like a request from the building inspector when checking locker room facilities. One devotee was named Perplexity Swings This And That; and the original name of the group was Infinity Forms of Yellow Remember – which was changed, no doubt, because no-one could remember it.

My point here is that these guys not only gazumped me with my own ideas to create a money-making enterprise based on nothing other than bull-twang but, now, Nick X wants to shut me down before I’ve even started reaping-in a motza.

I had my team all ready to go: my name was to be We Skipped The Light Fandango; my deputy was Turned Cartwheels Cross The Floor; and our treasurer called herself Feeling Kinda Seasick (which suited her fine, her real name being Ophelia Dick) and our cult-like group had already reserved the name Whiter Shade Of Whatever’s Your Favourite Pale Colour.

I envisaged (which is close enough to a “vision” for most punters) a way to sell all of the stuff in my shed as holy relics (“half a pack of four inch screws and an old bird’s nest – who’ll start me at 10 quid?”).

With the dross in my shed I could have easily matched those Water People:  they had “Archangel Wands” at $85 each – I have “Texta Wands” at only $50 each, with the added ability to write sacred messages on any surface in many tongues.

Alas, my dreams are now gone thanks to Senator Xenophon and his hasty motion to stamp out rampant exploitation of vulnerable people: who will be next on the list of this rampant demagogue – payday lending businesses? Banks? Scratchy-tickets?

If a cult is defined as being based on irrational and unsubstantial documentation; and its random and fanciful decrees are inarguable; and its leaders revered with god-like sanctity – then it’s probably just a money-raising scam (which is right up my alley), or the Greens (which is where even I draw the line).

And which of those clauses don’t apply to major religions anyway? How many others could we apply to them? Waging war against each other; torturing each other; genocide; the inversion of justice and law; invasion justified by God.

How many of those dangers apply to a coffee shop, attached gift shop and a website?

The Hermes Far Eastern Shining and my own defunct scam are a far cry from any of the real rogues; yet Nick has destroyed my vision, my wealth, my vocation– did I mention my wealth – with his concern for the gullible (known as “the marks” to us in the religion lark).