So, when the police chase begins in the next show you’re watching, you can now go and put on a wash-load or fold some ironing because I’ve just saved you the point of sitting glued to the set – welcome to my TV Time Savers whereby you’ll be able to reclaim swathes of valuable time – to do things like clip your nails – by knowing in advance what comes next.

The murderer (or whatever) in a crime show is always the person who has no other purposeful role within the plot so if a maid enters and says “tea is served ma’am” you can bet your boots she’s got a smoking gun stashed in the servery.

The bet is even better if it’s a well-known face playing the “bit part” – if Cate Blanchett is a teller held up in a bank raid, she’s not there just because she pulls a great terrified-face; she’s the “inside-guy” and the brains behind the entire heist.

Any character who swigs down some wine at any time is 50 per cent likely to drink-drive, cause a car crash and die.

Anyone who smokes will be 90 per cent likely to end up in hospital with cancer; this rises to a 100 per cent probability that the character will cark it by the end of the show if, at any time, he or she mildly coughs – even if it’s Cate Blanchett.

Being chased by a madman, a bloke will always bump into things (trees, garbage bins, posts) and finally trip on a root.

Despite running flat-chat for several minutes, the lunatic (who has been strolling) will be standing over him before he can get to his feet.

A woman, being pursued through a forest will always hide behind a tree.

The killer will stand, befuddled, and look suspiciously at the tree but think, “Nah, she wouldn’t hide there”; at which point, the woman will make a bolt for it and spoil the whole purpose of hiding.

In a sports movie, the best player in the team will always get injured on the eve of the final game.

This means that the bumbling nincompoop hero gets to play instead of carry the drink bottles and, of course, through either a previously untapped talent or dumb-luck wins the game with only seconds left on the clock.

That’s when the entire crowd, led by the love-interest, mobs the field in jubilation and the camera pans back for a crane-shot.

On TV news, when a celebrity gets pregnant and goes anywhere in public the report will be that “Jane Doe (or whoever) showed off her baby-bump at blah-blah”.

She’s never there for any other purpose other than to “show off her baby-bump” – if she had bunions, a goitre or a boil on her bum she’d probably only go to the supermarket to show them off too.

A celebrity can be anyone from a Danish Princess from Tassie to the first person who got evicted from the Big Brother house: their status is equal in celeb-world.

In the NRL match of the day when a big boofhead falls over the line and scores, the commentators will say, “There’s no stopping (boofhead) from that close!”

Which makes you wonder why they bothered; a bit like you’re feeling right now.