Agony Aunt answers your questions, August 22, 2015

My husband and I seem to differ greatly on this issue.  

He feels that if something is told to him in confidence, the duty to keep that confidence trumps everything else.

I believe that we should not have secrets from each other and that nothing should be off-limits.

I’m not talking about gossip and that he should run home and tell all.

Just that if asked a direct question on an issue, the answer should never be, “I can’t tell you because he/she asked me not to.” 

Your thoughts please.

I DON’T  believe that spouses/partners, call it what you like, should keep secrets of consequence from each other.

Therein I guess lies the very grey matter area.

Who defines ‘of consequence’?

Be clear that keeping other people’s secrets is not the same as doing things that you know your partner would not like or approve of and keeping that secret.

That is simply being deceitful and/or lying by omission.

People doing this are doing so because inherently they know what they are doing is wrong.

I suppose you could argue that if you are in a relationship with somebody you should be able to share your friends confidence with that person, that surely you can trust them to hold that confidence.

The other argument is that when somebody tells you a secret they expect it to be kept. 

Personally in the past if somebody has asked me to keep a secret I have been clear that if my partner asked, I would not lie.

So whilst I wouldn’t run home to spill the juicy story, I would not disrespect my partner by not trusting him with the confidence if asked.

Nobody has ever had an issue with me on that score.

The only important thing here is that you have a rule that you both share.

Double standards won’t and don’t work.  

Talk it through sensibly.

ARE you scared you might be missing out? Is it really that important?