The council spin supplement (Daily Advertiser, Saturday, November 18) crowed that community satisfaction (more on that weasel-word shortly) had “remained steady over the past two years”. Well, no ... all those little down-arrows that dot the graphs and charts, like a colour-by-the-numbers puzzle, represent “significant decreases” in satisfaction.

The report itself even notes that our level of chuffed-ness is well below the apocalypse that was 2012. No, not the Aztec calendar apocalypse that never happened; rather, the splendid implosion of council under the weight of its own imbecility. Yep, results this year have our satisfaction level below that which we bestowed on a tired, old, vaudeville clown act (but in defence of the 2012 administration I’d add that at least they made us laugh). Council management is quoted as saying “Overall, there was at least a moderate level of satisfaction with most” operations. Holy Cremola – is that what someone wants as a corporate goal: “We aim to provide at least moderate success with about 80 per cent of our services. Some will fail appallingly but, Eh-Schmeh, those ones don’t really matter all that much.” I can see that now, emblazoned on the billboards outside schools, banks and lawyers’ chambers – a motto for the ages: the Middle Ages!

The article notes that, of survey respondents, “77 per cent were somewhat satisfied with council’s (overall) performance”, which sounds cosy comfort for the bureaucratic boffins of Baylis Street. But, apart from anything else, it means that one in four punters are far from satisfied – possibly down-right ropeable.

If you ran any other sort of business and a quarter of your clientele felt that you’d failed them, would that be a pat on the back or a poke in the eye? But wait, it gets better: what about that weasel-word – “satisfied” – in the survey summary? Respondents were offered five responses to the “overall” question about council performance, ranging from “Very satisfied (5)” to “Not at all satisfied (1)” with 40 per cent opting for a “Somewhat satisfied (3) ”. If “somewhat satisfied” also means “somewhat dissatisfied” (which surely it must) then the “cheesed-off” rate goes up to 63 per cent and the “Yeah, cool” approval goes down to 37 per cent. Following this arithmetic (not council’s best subject) a sample category like communication, goes from a 79 per cent “clear communication” to a 51 per cent “completely mystifying” result; and so on – read the full report: it’s a hoot.

If you’d had a report card that said you’d bombed one subject, had a C-/D+ for two, and a pass for the other two, would Mum pin that to the fridge door? I know if I’d brought home that report card I’d be asked, “So where do you think this leads: an apprenticeship with your Uncle Leo as a serial arsonist?” (The threat of following in the footsteps of Uncle Leo, setting fire to stuff, was a constant bogeyman story in our family; and in our flats; and for kids throughout the suburb.) No doubt WWCC thinks that their “somewhat satisfied” clientele suggests success at City Hall – which brings to mind a take on another old joke – “Don’t tell my mother I’m employed by local government; she thinks I play the piano in a brothel.”