Like when they say: And this gizmo is yours for just three monthly payments of $149.99! Why ‘just three’? If the gizmo is worth (it’s not) $450 then how many monthly payments of 150 bucks do they think might ‘just’ make better mathematical sense?

All the ads for the NBN tell us to grab our hub, or node or router or modem – it goes by all these names; the technological equivalent of gender fluidity – and... Just Plug It In!

The phrase is equivalent Werner Von Braun or some NASA boffin in the 50s discussing the possibility of a moon landing, “Ja, shure ve can put der mensch on der moon: ve just make der rocket und zen ve just put zem in it!” Innit, indeed!

At checkouts they love to tell you that they’ll be with you in “just a second”.

That ‘just’ means about two minutes while some dude wants to buy a brand of cigarettes never sold in Australia or as much as an hour as some old codger waits while his 113 Lotto tickets are scanned to let him know what he already knew – they were all duds; that’s why they were in someone else’s trash where this bloke found them.

‘Quick’ will have to go too: our NBN hub came with a “Quick Install Guide”.

The IT guy with the ponytail who wrote this manual uses ‘Quick’ as his idea of a riotous joke. He also probably thinks that he’s the life of the party when he dances in his shorts with a lampshade on his head.

‘Quick’ is like when the beak sends you down for a six to 10 stretch and your court-appointed shyster tips you a wink and says, “I’ll have you out of there on appeal in no-time.” If no-time means eternity, then quick certainly means no-time.

Our “Quick Guide” obviously defines the word as: about three hours of hit-and-miss cord switching, cursing, high blood pressure and threats of divorce.

We needed the NBN though, so as to “make the most” (and that phrase is also due for the chop!) of our new IQ3 digital goggle box Foxtel whatsit.

I can only guess that it’s called IQ3 because working with the interface (which has all the charm of some 1960s Soviet propaganda poster) is like trying to converse with someone of roughly that mental age; or perhaps the Ingested Quaaludes (IQ3) needed before you think you’re watching television.

‘No problems’ needs selective banning. If my GP is perusing my x-rays and says this, then it’s fine.

If a proctologist says it after the procedure, it’s also fine; if he says it about the procedure, then I have news for him.

But I mostly meet it in the bank when I want to withdraw some money; “No problems” beams the teller, like it’s Happy Birthday or, It’s A Boy!  

I want to ask why it should be a problem that someone wants to withdraw or deposit money in a bank.

If I was at the Kosher Deli asking to do this, or if I’d asked the teller for a salami on pumpernickel then I could understand the rapturous tone of reply. But isn’t this sort of what they should do in a bank?

Does anyone ever try to deposit a couple of tenners and a lobster and get told, “Ooh!  Well that might just be a problem.”

I’ve written a quick guide to rid the language of these curses which would be no problem to implement. You can get one for just $59.97 or just three easy payments of $19.99.

RT WALKER, www.dailyadvertiser.com.au