The University of Bristol reported, in Nature Magazine, on “The optimal way to dunk a biscuit”.  “Into the beverage”, came back the most important of the startling conclusions; with ratios of immersion depth to bickie density depending for their usefulness on whether or not you use a micrometer and slide rule with your cuppa. 

The Scottish Medical Journal released terrifying data with the title "The Collapse of Toilets in Glasgow". Its conclusions have led to calls for a public campaign to advise the population of what to do should an “imminent mass toilet collapse situation” eventuate – evacuate quickly, one imagines.

Another useful study (Shiseido Research Center, Yokohama) proved that people who think they have foot odour do, and people who think they don't, don't. This seminal work has led to suggestions that the methodology might be fruitfully applied to discover whether people who perceive dandruff are really seeing dandruff; or whether or not those shorts really do make your bum look big if you think they do.

A research report published in “Anthrozoos” showed that cows with names produce more milk than nameless cows. The world now breathlessly awaits a study that shows if cows actually understand the concept of having a name in the first place and, if so, what they call each other. It might also explain why half of the Cockatoos called “Cockie” deign not to speak – there are so many of them, they all think you’re talking to someone else.

In quite a disturbing conclusion Dr Peter Jonason tested 250 university students: apparently students fond of late nights are more likely to become narcissistic, psychopathic, and manipulative than morning people. The correlation itself isn’t the worrying bit – it’s rather that he found a statistically significant number of egotistic, conniving psychopaths in a sample of only 250. Perhaps the group was drawn from the Faculty of Political Science.

Researchers at New York University found that the number of licks it takes to get to the center of an average-size lollipop, a chuppa-chup say, is approximately 1000. To me, this is important data: I’m a “cruncher” – I become bored after a minute or so licking and sucking and I’ve always wondered how long it would have taken had I not bitten the pop into lots of littler pieces. I’ve always felt somewhat guilty about this (I do it as slowly and quietly as possible) but I now feel completely vindicated. A thousand licks! C’mon, nobody does that … except maybe Dr Jonason’s PolSci psychopaths.

Admittedly, not all studies have the gravitas of those above. For example, in 1990 a dentistry journal published a report on patient preference for waxed vs unwaxed floss. One can only hope the researchers spent the grant on a grog-up and simply sent the work-experience kid out to ask a supermarket check-out chick, “Whaddya sell more of?”

Lastly, The International Journal of Neuroscience released a report on whether breathing through one nostril makes you smarter or not. Try it yourself: stick one finger up your nose, leave it there and re-read this column – when finished, you’ll pretty easily guess the result of the report.