Good morning, Australia, and welcome to the Most Boring Election in Living Memory™!
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We've reached the end of the second longest election campaign in history and no one has died from the tedium (at least to my knowledge).
While Americans have the choice between a former secretary of state and what looks to be a block of orange American cheese that's become sentient and racist, our options – Turnbull and Shorten – are reminders that Australian elections are essentially dull, like Lions Youth of the Year events but with adults and better resources.
I know. It's easy to be cynical about Australian politics. At last count, a mere 16 per cent of Australians reported "total trust" in political parties, while only 31 per cent completely trusted Federal Parliament itself.
Perhaps you're angry that your kids will inherit the remains of what used to be the largest living organism in the ocean.
Still, I suspect that, deep down, most Australians are passionate about something.
My dirty secret is that, even though it oscillates between infuriating and dull, I've got a massive crush on Australian democracy.
My extended family in Hong Kong, where the wick of democracy has dimmed to a dull glow, would perceive a show like the ABC's Q&A as something akin to a sci-fi thriller.
Our miracle is that we do all of it – elections, debates, forums – politely and with civility; many of us might be bored but at least there's never any bloodshed.
I like that we have secret ballots, a system we pioneered and exported to US states like Kentucky.
I like that we have preferential voting – perfect for a country that tends to vote for parties not out of enthusiasm, but by who they hate least. And I like compulsory voting. Our national pastime is whingeing.
By voting, we earn the right to complain and moan all we want.
Benjamin Law